DOOR: CAPTAIN'S TEARS

By Ángela López

I like you, pain; you remind me that I am still breathing.  As long as you continue to sleep by my side, this body will continue to cling to the warmth of the agony to which you have condemned me.  For years I have cursed you, but one fine day surrender knocked at my door, my knees finally bent before you, dear adversary. My decision was not due to lack of courage, but to the weariness of an absurd struggle; I wanted to change the result, when in reality mathematics is exact, one plus one will always be two, it will never be zero.  Poor innocent me when I tried to reject what made me different from the others, no one can run away from his shadow. The answer was always Acceptance.

Raised under the religious bosom, I remembered the words of the New Testament in the Gospel according to Luke that says: "to him who strikes you on one cheek, present the other also…".  I have tattooed this advice in my heart to understand that I cannot fight against pain; on the contrary, the only thing left for me to do is to offer him a warm smile when he decides to cruelly caress me. It matters little to me that he, like a tsunami, passes by devastating my small Island of Thoughts. The positive side (as in everything), is that rebuilding, elevates the feeling of gratitude and increases my creativity. Because once the episode of pain is gone, I am so happy to be in this world that every second is more valuable than any Pilgrim Pearl.

Some train their minds through knowledge, others spend most of their time in gyms perfecting their physical condition. However, people like me have had to learn to exercise our reaction to pain.  We all, to a greater or lesser extent, know what it is like to suffer, whether it be from unsuccessful love affairs, childhoods marked by violence, businesses that went bankrupt, dreams that didn't come true, or illnesses that made you touch madness. Whoever has not been lost sometime in the valley of suffering, is not human; and, if you are reading this and you do not know it yet, let me welcome you to this beautiful blue planet, dear alien.

Among the many things that unite us as human beings is undoubtedly our ability to shed tears of helplessness, bitterness and pain. Crying can lighten the load, perhaps because it is the way in which pain abandons its amorphous nature to stop tearing us apart inside. Have you ever wondered how you manage to harbor so much pain in such a small body? I hope with all my heart that the answer is no, but if the answer is yes, let me tell you that I understand your feeling.  Searching for a why, I could see my will to live grew taller than Gulliver, while my sense of self-pity was shrinking in fear before the giant savior. Besides, dying is easy, but living requires courage, and I don't have the word cowardice built into my lexicon. So, I made peace with my life, I learned that being vulnerable made me stronger. Magically, I could understand that the more I complained, the more I forgot the smell of roses, the mystery of the starry sky, the murmur of the river that ran in front of my house and the romanticism of the great Chopin.  I did not want to continue tormenting myself for what I was suffering, but I decided to focus on how much my existence embellished, and so, without further ado, I said goodbye to my circle of Hell; after all, there is only one Dante, it was foolish to compete with him.

Do not hate anything or anyone, it makes no sense to breathe without living. Do not curse your luck, observe it. Do not think that you are the most unfortunate being that walks this earth, self-pity only makes your journey more tortuous with shackles. Finally, learn to surrender, there are unnecessary battles that cloud your consciousness so that you cannot feel how miracles embrace you day after day.  Sometimes you must allow your opponent to win the game, losing becomes winning when it teaches you what gratitude means.  Checkmate is nothing more than learning to accept what you cannot change. O Captain! My captain! You will continue to steer your ship, but from a perspective filled with gratitude, renouncing the deceitful waters of resentment to lead you towards a life navigated by courage.

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